THE CANADIANS ARE COMING
JUST A FEW GENERATIONS REMOVED FROM FRANCE.
We look at them as our harmless friends to the north. Canada. But keep in mind, a good deal of them speak French.This is not to be taken lightly. Couple that with the striking similarities between the maple leaf and the angry little leaf-shaped aliens that live in my basement, and it spells trouble, my friends. Canada is set to invade.And they may have help from aliens, though I have no proof of this.
WATERING DOWN OUR ECONOMY.
Oh, but they’re doing it so sneakily. You don’t even notice it. But I do. I’m on to them. The invasion has begun.Canadian pennies. Canadian quarters. Currency that devalues our own. They’re sneaking it in, and it must be stopped.
VENDI, VENDU, VENDI NO TAKEY.
Or, I came to the vending machine. I saw the vending machine. The vending machine wouldn’t take my Canadian quarter.
What a waste. There I am, depositing coin after coin into the vending machine. I drop in the last quarter, only to hear a distinctly inferior metal clank in the coin return. I inspected said coin and, to my dismay, it’s Canadian. Son of a bitch. Two bits of useless Canuck metal. Instead of 25 American cents, I had coinage good for 25 cents worth of Celine Dion CDs.
DON’T PASS THE BUCK. OR THE QUARTER.
I know what you’re thinking. Just pass off the quarter to some unsuspecting convenience store clerk. But why? Why perpetuate the invasion? Why contribute to the downfall of the American economy? Pierre and his buddies are waltzing across the border and getting more value out of their money. The very fabric of our society is at risk.So I came up with a better plan.
SNAIL MAIL HAS ITS USES.
The solution is simple. I’m sending them back. Back to their motherland. Back to Canada. It may be a one-man war,but I’m making progress. And perseverance will prevail. Here’s what I did.I used the Internet to find a pesky Canadian, a random Canadian, and I am making him a richer man. I send all my Canadian currency to him. Every once in a while, an envelope appears in his mail, and it’s got not only a Canadian quarter, but also an American one. I’m on the offensive, buddy.I encourage you to join me. No one wins a war on our soil.
THE LETTERS.
To read the letters I’ve sent my newfound friend to the north, click one of the links below.
Letter 1
Letter 2
Letter 3
