Crap you'll find here:
 
 

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The Squirrel* of Life

Most people don’t like squirrels because, as we all know, they are big, gray rats that, unlike ordinary rats, refuse to keep themselves hidden in your cupboards. They parade around town out in the open climbing trees, gathering nuts and spreading their little squirrel diseases. In public. Right in front of our eyes. Big, bold, gray rats.

So it’s no wonder that people aren’t squirrel-crazy. No one looks at squirrels and thinks, "How cute! He’s attacking that baby." We sort of let them go about their business and pay them no mind because, as I view it, it’s much less taxing than worrying that there are large, fearless rats roaming the streets of suburbia and spreading the bubonic plague.

But for every disgusting species out there, there are a few mutant offspring that display qualities so human that we begin to foster the hope that they may further develop their human-like traits and, like us, begin killing each other indiscriminately. So with that in mind, it is without further delay that I present to you an exciting theory I've developed based on the encouraging picture shown above.

If evolution is any indicator, this furry creature (whom I’ve nicknamed Ted Kennesquirrel) will continue to drink beer (Bud, I might add), reproduce and begin a long line of beer-swilling, hate-filled, gun-toting squirrels that will take residence, I suspect, in trailer parks across the country.

As you know, people, and therefore squirrels, in trailer parks do not keep themselves confined to trailer parks. They wander about, looking for gun shows, hunting non-humans, and leering at sheep. Eventually, some of them, or their children/wives, attend empowerment seminars and come knocking on your doors selling knick knacks. Sometimes, they move into the neighboring towns as their knick knack business booms. And the squirrels will undoubtedly do the same.

As their demon seeds begin to filter out into neighboring towns, they should, if evolution and their newfound human traits are any indicator, begin mass slaughter of their own kind, purely for shits and giggles. Although mostly for shits, if you’ve ever seen a tree that housed a squirrel family of four. Plus, I've never heard a squirrel giggle, although they are quite fond of making a litte screeching noise that is emitted, I've been told, by their diseased little radioactive teeth.

Now, I don’t know what kind of timeframe we’re looking at here. I can’t promise the extinction of fat, gray, beer-swilling rodents in your neighborhood any time soon. This could take weeks. But what I can promise is this: if my theory is correct, the incidence of the bubonic plague in our country should begin to drop significantly. That's good news for us. And bad news for those damned rodents.
 
  * IMPORTANT NOTICE: It's been brought to my attention that our little rodent friend above has an Old Style beer to the left of his tasty Budweiser. It is not known at this time if the squirrel had already consumed this beverage prior to downing the Bud or if he is saving the Old Style for after the Bud. As human's eyes are accustomed to going left to right, one would think he'd be saving the Old Style for next (not that his left is our right). However, there is no evidence to prove that squirrels share this tendency. If any concrete evidence is brought to my attention, I will let you know, therefore providing an insight into the pesky little bastards we call squirrels.