Horoscopes
Hints for people who just can't take life as it comes.
Week of September 6 to whenever I do a new one
Aries
You like to eat the yellow snow, and you are therefore happy to see the summer coming to an end. You think the yellow snow is pretty. You find it tasty. You think it is special snow fallen from a special place. No one told you that the yellow in the snow is dog pee. Now you know.
Taurus
There is a place for people like you. It’s called the corner. And you get to wear a nice, shiny, pointy cap.
Gemini
You can’t even fool some of the people some of the time. Take a more honest, direct approach, or you’ll look silly. Don’t say, "I sort of like it." Say, "You’re obviously an idiot." It will lose you friends, but it will keep you from being so transparent.
Cancer
This is your opportunity to shine at work. As in, shine the toilets, shine the floor, and shine the kitchen sink. Your job is very much in jeopardy, and Merry Maids is looking for help. There’s also a nude cleaning service looking for people if you can drop a few pounds quickly.
Leo
Madonna said it best we she sang, "Like a Virgin." You won’t be getting much action in the coming weeks. It’s time to change your hair or your clothes or maybe take a shower. The opposite sex sees you as a reason to go gay, unless you’re gay. In which case the same sex sees you as a reason to go straight. Either way, people are going to be jumping in and out of the closet this week. And it’s pretty much your fault.
Virgo
The remote control is under the couch.
Libra
We are all faced with difficult challenges in life. Choices that will determine and shape the future. Sometimes, our choices have consequences beyond our comprehension. For instance, your decision to not drink that day last month caused the earthquake in Greece. You thoughtless bastard.
Scorpio
You left your window open and a lot of people saw you naked. A lot of them. At first, it was just the guy across the way, but he had friends over. And he called them all in. And they took pictures. I’m hoping to post them next week.
Sagittarius
For some reason, all the stars really say about you this week is: Cornish game hens. Which to me says one of three things. 1) You should eat a Cornish game hen. 2) You should be very careful around Cornish game hens. 3) I misinterpreted "horny gay men." Your guess is as good as mine.
Capricorn
You’re a bit perturbed because you haven’t had time to write this week’s horoscopes. You’re worried that by the time these go up, you’ll have to write next week’s. And if you keep slacking off like this, you’ll be the laughing stock of all your buttery friends. And you will.
Aquarius
See a doctor about that rash.
Pisces
It’s like this: they say birds of a feather flock together. Then they say opposites attract. You see the problem? The contradiction? How are you supposed to know who’s right? It’s pissing you off, and you want someone to pay. The bastards. Whoever "they" are. Well, take it easy, man. They’re just sayings. Get a grip.
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