Horoscopes
Hints for people who just can't take life as it comes
Week of August 30 - September 5
Aries
Some time this week, take a moment to stop and smell the roses. It just may be your last chance.
Taurus
People are going to like you a lot this week,and it’s not just because they’re trying to get in your pants. Although that’s part of it. But it’s also because Jupiter is aligned with something or other, and a beautiful comet is flying low to avoid radar. The eagle has landed, and the fat lady has yet to sing.
Gemini
You will take the road less traveled. And you will get very lost. Didn’t you notice that nobody takes that road? Did you think it was coincidence? There you go, being cute again, and now look at you. Stuck on a treacherous road with overgrown weeds and no real signs of human life. There are wolves out there. And nasty little bugs that gnaw at you and swirl around your head. That was pretty stupid of you.
Cancer
Today’s a pretty good day to stay inside.Should you decide to go out, cover your head with your hands at all times. And run. Quickly. But pay close attention to speeding cars. And don’t piss anybody off. And that guy on the corner? Stay the hell away from him.
Leo
It’s time to throw out those 70s records. Pull yourself together, man, and toss them out. Nobody wants to hear Foghat anymore. Your friends mock you behind your back. It’s time to make a change, man. For crying out loud, stop humiliating yourself.
Virgo
This is going to be a great week. Unless your name is Harry. But all you other Virgos will enjoy great success and happy times. On cloudy days, the sun will peek through only when you are looking. It’s going to be that kind of week. Except for Harry. Sorry, Harry. It just wasn’t in the cards.
Libra
Dogs will follow you around. Don’t take offense. There’s really nothing you can do about it. Carry biscuits or something.
Scorpio
Remember that thing you hoped she’d never find out about? She knows. That friend you entrusted with your secret is a blabbermouth. I wouldn’t trust that person too much anymore. If you had known him or her in high school, you would’ve known better. But it’s too late for that.
Sagittarius
Keep this in mind: When the clock strikes midnight, your carriage may turn into a pumpkin, your horses may turn into mice, and your pretty dress may turn into rags. But you are still Cinderella,baby. The same dame that lit up ball all night long. And the prince digs you.
Capricorn
There are some things that not even the stars can explain. Like that haircut. Wear a hat.
Aquarius
Yours is a complicated week that involves constant interference from the authorities. Gloves can only do so much; there have been vast improvements in DNA testing. Watch yourself.
Pisces
Once you go to the bathroom after a few beers, you have to go more often. Try to hold it as long as you can. Think to yourself, "I do not have to pee." This may help. Focus your attention away from faucets. Maybe do a shot. They take up less room in your bladder.And for God sakes, once you go, wash your hands. Nobody like urine hands. And take a cab home. Lush.
